8 posts tagged “open letter”

Finally.  The internet has been freaking out for the past week or so.  It is back now.  Although the internet outage allowed me to gather my thoughts on everything, it also took some of the potency away.  A series of open letters:

Dear America,
I knew you could do it.  Thank you for not letting me down.  You made the best choice, hope over fear.  I can believe in you again.  You voted with your heart, and you will reap the rewards.  We will prosper again, economically and otherwise.

Now that all is decided it seems so inevitable.  Election night, I sat tense and white knuckled, but now that seems so silly.  As soon as Obama made his speech, it felt so obvious that it couldn't have turned out any other way.

Anyway, you made me proud.

With citizenship,
Megan

P.S.  Can we all agree that having health insurance is not the same as having healthcare?

Dear President-Elect Obama,
Congratulations!  I know there isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said, but I want to say that I believe that you truly represent the ideals of America: optimism, intelligence, diversity, and compassion.  You proved that you don't have to resort to despicable (read: Rovian Republican) tactics to win an election.  You trusted that the American people were better than that and they did not disappoint.

With admiration,
Megan

P.S.  What are the odds of Dennis K. getting a cool job like Secretary of Diminutive Awesomeness?  As a diminutive (and some might say awesome) person, I really feel like we are under-represented, and he would be a good spokesperson.  No?  Okay.  Think about it, though.

Dear Senator McCain,
Where were you during this campaign?  I remember seeing you give your concession speech and correcting some lady who was concerned about Obama's muslim status, but other than that I don't recall seeing you.  I remember seeing some pandering, Evangelical-Christian-Moral-Majority-Religious-Right-wing sellout who looked a lot like you at most of your rallies and stump speeches.  I think a lot of people thought that was supposed to be you!  Why did you let him choose Palin?!?  That was just ridiculous.  I think if you'd shown up at more of your campaign events it would have been a lot closer race.

With respect and confusion,
Megan

P.S.  What is with your stand-in's followers?  Those people are crazy.
P.P.S.  Seriously, Palin?!?!?!?

Dear vox and everyone at the vox,

Here's the way it is: I'm back!  I missed you so much!  I mean it.  All the coolness and culture.  I had some pretty spectacularly crazy junk happen, but now everything is super good again!  I'm sorry I was gone for so long.  After being gone that long, it's kind of hard and awkward to pick back up but everything in my life is starting fresh, so I'm trying this.

The majorly basics:

I have a boyfriend.  His name is Guy.  And that is a very good name for him.  He's extremely cute!!  He has red hair.  And freckles.  And glasses.  Trifecta!  Also diabetes and narcolepsy.  And sometimes seizures.  Double trifecta!!  He makes me feel very special, and takes good care of me.  We live in a townhouse with two kitties: Bimble and Bumble.  They are the most ridiculous kitties in the history of kitties.  They are brothers.

We both work for a bank.  The bank name rhymes with Bitibank.  We answer letters that people write to the bank.  I want to apologize in advance if your credit card is in default; I think it is a ridiculous policy too.  Write a letter and we'll see what we can do.  Hopefully your letter won't go to South Dakota or India.

The smaller details:

I got a new car!  A yaris.  It's super adorable.  Fluffalo Storytime was also put on hold during the craziness, but now that things are getting back to normal I hope to start working on it again ... as soon as the kitties grow up, and stop chewing on everything!  Grr!

Anyway, it feels awesome to be back.

Yours sorrily but excitedly,

Megan

I have more fingers than dollars.  I get paid Thursday.  I feel like I can last one day on nine dollars.  Already, I am scheming away my next paycheck.  Hopefully things will be different soon.  I am officially promoted.  I have a store key.

There is something else to say, before I let it bother me anymore.

Dear Beyonce,

I saw your new album is entitled B'day.  My first instinct was that this rhymed with G'day, as in "G'day mate!"  This clearly led to the thought, "bidet."  The thought lasted a minute and was then replaced with "bee-day."  I'm sure the latter is what you intended, but really, no one in your vast entourage looked at you and said "Bidet?"  Or maybe they did and suspected that your core audience would not recognize the word.  Well, they may or may not, but I did.  It really makes me wonder.  Your record label let this happen?  Your handlers?  Your image makers?  Is America really that illiterate?

Yours nonplussed,
Megan

Dear everyone on the VOX,

Where have you gone?  Where the HEX are you?  I misses you.  No one is making the entries.  No one is making the comments.  It's sad really.

Depressedly yours,
Megan

Dear Anderson Cooper,

You are the man.  You are not as outspoken or tough as Keith Olbermann, but whatev.  You are still the man.  I mean, your mom is Gloria Vanderbilt, a denim artist if ever there was one.  I'm sure you are wondering, "Why are you writing to me?"  Because I saw your celebrity playlist on itunes.  Blur, Elliott Smith, New Order, +/-, R.E.M., and Yo La Tengo.  I am really impressed.  But what really inspired me was your choice of "Speed Trials" by Elliott Smith.  When I was looking at your playlist, Elliott Smith started to play on my shuffle.  That is not that unusual because there are 78 Elliott Smith songs in my library.  However, it was, in fact, "Speed Trials" that came on!  Seriously.  So I thought I'd give a little shout out to the second coolest newsguy around!  Props on getting all emotional about Katrina, but if you could get a little more rage about the current administration you could bump Keith out of the top spot!  I bet his playlist would be all like "Flamenco Sketches" - Miles Davis and "Fortunate Son" - Creedence Clearwater Revival.

Regards,
Megan

P.S.  I heard that you were gay.  Is that true?  If so, good luck with that!
P.P.S.  I have enclosed a self addressed stamped envelope and a kind of silly picture of you.  Would you please autograph it (the picture, not the envelope)?  Please enscribe it: "Megan, I will do my best to get more ragey.  Anderson Cooper."

SASE

Hangin' with Mr. Cooper

Dear VOX,

I like you.  I do.  I might like you too much.  I like your layouts and your themes.  I like the way I can add all my music and books and stuff.  But there are a few things we need to discuss.

Your comment system could use work!  I can't reply to anyone in specific, and I don't want to annoy people with my x-treme comment (copyrighted) style.

Also!  You have no cut feature.  I don't mind long posts, but some people might!  Did you ever think of that VOX?  Did you?  I think you are a little inconsiderate!  And self-centered!  There I said it!  It's out there now!  Take this and grow from it.

Yours grudgingly,
Megan

P.S.  I am not breaking up with you, VOX!  However, you are on notice.
P.P.S.  I am taking you off notice on a trial basis!
P.P.P.S.  I am sorry I put you on notice.

Dear Amazon,

We need to talk.  Or I'll talk, you'll listen (figuratively).  I can't help but notice you have a $2000 bottle of balsamic vinegar for sale.  For reals.  Yes, I understand it is 75 years old and it comes in a fancy box.  Yes, I understand that it tastes super good (allegedly).  But it's two thousand dollars.  American dollars.  We're not talking yen or something, like Y2000=$15.  Amazon, I don't know if we can be friends anymore.

Yours disrespectfully,
Megan

P.S.  Amazon, I realize that is not a yen symbol, but ASCII codes don't work here, nor does cut and paste.  So I just put a "y" with strikethrough.  Yeah, it's that kind of ingenuity that keeps me from spending $2000 on a bottle of vinegar, so in your face!

I saw this through the window.

Cover photo for The Book of Right On.

That's right.  An old car painted like a race car with the cheerios logo and the Betty Crocker spoon on it.
Junky car = $800
DIY paint job = $75?
This picture = priceless

Dear person who owns this car,

You are awesome!

Yours respectfully,
Megan